my perfectionism says I can't.
my perfectionism says i can't.
As a perfectionist, dealing with OCD & anxiety, and having the competitive spirit of always wanting to be the best it is extremely hard to admit failure or to disappoint someone. Especially someone that is important to you, someone you look up to and want to impress.
(Impress may not be the best word, it's 9:28AM and my mind is going 100 miles a minute and it's all I can come up with at this moment.)
I know as a child of God, I only need to worry about the approval from God. But as a lifelong perfectionist it's tough not to worry about disappointing others.
Growing up, I've always been "the best" at everything. I never had to practice much, never needed to ask questions, never needed to spend hours or years at something to be good at it. I naturally picked up pretty much anything I put my hands to. Until my natural ability couldn't get me any further. So instead of trying, because I never actually knew how to try since I didn't need to, I just didn't try at all. So I found myself stuck and not moving forward, maybe not even moving back, but just stuck in one spot. I thought I was free from that until recently.
I find myself struggling to get anywhere with anything I want to be doing. I find myself not being able to say, "No" to people when, "No" is what I need to be able to say to get the break I need. But in fear of disappointing those around me, I just say, "Yes". I've realized I don't know how to say, "No" when it comes to opportunities that will help me look "more perfect" or "the best". That sounds really twisted and messed up. Possibly even a bit arrogant. But it comes from a place of never feeling adequate.
Most people don't understand that most of what I do comes from that place in my heart of inadequacy and feeling like a failure. It's hard to explain to people what is really going on inside my heart and mind. I tend to come off as an arrogant, "thinks she's better" person because of how I carry myself. And there are moments where I may seem like I just don't care or am not giving any effort because I simply don't want to. When in reality I can't because my perfectionism won't allow me to.
So maybe I need to learn that my perfectionism doesn't get to give me permission or validation because I already have my permission and validation from God.