this anxiety is relentless.
I find myself in a constant irritation. This fiery flame inside my gut that boils and bubbles up to the back of my tongue and sits there, keeping me from releasing any harsh words. It's an unrelenting cloud of nausea and anxiety that bolts through my veins like electricity. It's frustrating to be in this space. I'm unsure of why or how this is happening. It's a season. I have to remind myself that my anxiety and irritation is not me. It's not who I am. It isn't my character. There is no attachment between it and me. We are not friends. We do not have a relationship with one another. And this will only last a very short moment in the overall span of my life. But it's here.
It's here and it isn't leaving except in short bursts with the prayers I send up to God. It ends for a moment and hits me like a ton of bricks at any moment without warning. It's in silly moments that I feel anxiety. Ones that would never normally inflict anxiety even on the most anxiety rid person. Moments of changing the oil in my car or realizing I left my jacket in a building that I will be returning to a few days later. Moments of spending time with close friends. Moments of training in something I've been doing my entire life. These aren't moments to be anxious and yet I feel frozen in my mind, stuck on all the things that could go wrong with a belly full of butterflies that are on fire and screaming from the pain.
It's aggressive. It's frustrating. It's relentless. And for this moment in time, it's here to stay. I just hope it says goodbye soon. Maybe without the good though. Since it will not have been a "good time".