this is a PSA: dream again

this is a PSA: dream again.

I've found myself forgetting how to dream. Dreams these days amount to wanting to be able to pay rent on time without the check bouncing. That's me dreaming big. Sad, isn't it? I know. It's embarrassing. I'm a disappointment to my 18 year old self. Living back in Oregon, big fish, little pond, the best there was because there wasn't many. My small dreams were easy and attainable, big dreams were not living in a small town. So dreaming big about my possibilities and opportunities when I got to the big city was easy, because I didn't know any better. Naive 18 year old, little Spencer was a blessing and a curse to herself.

At 18 I had huge dreams and to my small town, ignorant heart, they were possible. I didn't have a plan on how I was going to accomplish my dreams or even a starting point towards accomplishing them. I just knew my dreams were my dreams and they were going to happen because I said so. No "If's" or "But's" about it. I made bold statements and declarations about my future and gave no apologies for dreaming of such things.

I was going to move to Los Angeles and be somebody. I didn't know who I was going to be or what genre of art I wanted to be known for. I just knew I wanted to inspire others. I won't go into details of what dreams I had, 1) because they're mine & ain't nobody gon steal my ideas. (just kidding, kind of) and 2) it's just too much to type out. But you get the point. I had major dreams. And nowadays I don't even think about them.

It all started when I moved to Los Angeles. I realized my big fish, small pond confidence only works in a small pond. Big fish became "bottom of the food chain" little fish. It didn't happen all at once. My dreams didn't sink to the bottom of the ocean like a safe full of diamonds and gold, no, no... more like a feather from a soaring eagle that fell on top of the water, slowly drenched & submerged until it hit rock bottom. I'm the eagle and the feather was my dreams. And just like an eagle is still an eagle even with one less feather... I'm still that starry eyed dreamer that just lost sight of her dreams in the ocean called "the industry".

Why am I writing this? Well, I've finally come to the realization that this has happened. I didn't realize it happened until someone asked me what my goals and dreams are and I realized I didn't have any anymore. I'm writing this as a reminder that it's okay to dream. That a failure, a "no", a "not quite", isn't forever. It's a moment that passes in time. It's a closed door guiding me to the open door. This is a reminder to myself and to whoever is reading this that it's okay to dream again. Don't let a few disappointments keep you from dreaming altogether. Big dreams that are meant to last take time to build. So to myself and to those who feel the same, let's dream again. Shall we?